Week One.

So it’s been four days since I moved to San Diego and I must say that I am loving college life.  There is so much freedom!!  On Friday morning I was an emotional wreck because some of my best friends came to my house at 6 o’clock in the morning to say our farewells.  We were all really depressed and crying and hugging and it was just a depression fest.  I don’t know if I can wait until Thanksgiving because I already really really miss them.  Anyways, I am so so blessed to be able to go to a school as amazing as Point Loma.  It doesn’t even feel like school…it feels like a cross between a never-ending retreat and college.  It is just so amazing.  I love how unlike most schools, religion is never a taboo here….well obviously it IS a Christian school. But anyways, a lot of my professors pray at the start of each class which is really cool.  We have chapel 3 times a week for about 45-50 minutes and the worship team is AMAZING.  I get goosebumps every time I hear them.  Everyone here is really nice and I love my hall and my RA.  On the first night, my whole hall dressed in our craziest outfits and walked down the street to get frozen yogurt :)

Oh yeah and the best part is the fact that right after class, I can walk down to the beach.  This is what I get to see every. single. day.  :)

Well I have a psychology class starting in 45 minutes and I need to start studying because I have a crazy amount of world civ reading to do :/

Disappointment.

As the summer comes to an end, all I can do is think.  Think about everything.  Think about nothing.  Think about how things used to be.  Think about how things are going to be.  I also can’t help but think about how things should have been.  Honestly, this summer has been a disappointment which really sucks considering the fact that it definitely could and should have been the best summer ever.  Maybe I just expected way too much out of it.  This has definitely been a rollercoaster of a summer and I’m not exactly sad that it’s finally coming to an end.  Sure, there are plenty of reasons to be sad about leaving, but right now, I just want out.  I want to start things over.  I want my fresh start.  I just want to go far away because I can’t take this nostalgic pain anymore.

There were only two times this summer where I was able to just forget about everything and genuinely have fun.  These were Vacation Bible School and going to Newport.

I miss both of these :(

This was definitely not the summer I was hoping for.  I hope this last and final week will be different.

veintiocho.

In exactly twenty-eight days I will be embarking on a journey that will both shape me and change me.  I will be tested, broken, and enlightened.  I will grow more in these next four years than I ever have in all my life.  College will present both challenges and adventures. At least I have God by my side to get through any challenges that may come my way.

The Lord is the stronghold of my life;  of whom shall I be afraid?  Psalm 27:1

San Diego…I will be seeing you soon :)

So here is a list of things that I absolutely have to do before I graduate college.

1. Study abroad in beautiful, seaside city in Europe. (Basically one that resembles the city in Kiki’s Delivery Service)
2. Go on a mission trip…or two.
3. Take amazing pictures of Balboa Park.
4. Go on a sunset hike at Sunset Cliffs.
5. Ride the rollercoaster at Belmont Park on Mission Beach.
6. Watch the sun set on the ocean every.  single.  day.
7. Take a downtown Trolley tour.
8. Change someone’s life.
9. Explore all of San Diego.
10. Meet a man of God who can steal my heart and make me laugh.  (:

Well that’s all I have for now…but this list is definitely a work in progress.  I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be able to go to school in a city that is so culturally vibrant.

I’m starting to get really excited for Point Loma.  (:

Renewal.

I’m starting to finally feel better again.  I was finally able to clear the air.  I’m still not sure if I feel normal yet…totally happy…but somehow I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  All I can say is this has not been the summer I’ve been waiting for.  It’s a really weird feeling…I just hope the second half of summer is way better than the first.

Anyways…I came across this video on youtube called “When Five Fell”.  Let me just say that I seriously cannot stop watching this video.  Not only are the cinematography and music amazing, but this video evokes a very strong emotion.  I actually cried during it…and I do not cry easily, but it might also be because this video leaves me with the same bittersweet (more bitter than sweet) feeling that thinking about leaving for college does.  But anyways, if you have not seen this video, you should definitely watch it.  It is so artistic and creative.  Wesley Chan is a genius.

“She tells me she wants to be a raindrop. She doesn’t mind falling. As long as she’s not alone. And raindrops are never alone. She always has a new story to tell me. Today, it’s about being a raindrop. I wish I could have been there, because stories aren’t always enough. And words can only go so far. This is me. Sometimes I wonder if she’s still talking to me or if I’m just eavesdropping. It used to be everyday, sometimes for hours, sometimes for minutes. Healthy relationships are based on communication. But her words – however sweet and real – sound so distant. Now, they flow past me effortlessly as if they were meant for someone else.”

“Anyone can look from a distance. A stranger can look from a distance. What’s so special about that? But to know her scent? It means something else. It means we’ve been close, closer than anyone else. I daresay I’m lucky. But when she doesn’t want me – when she’s away – then it’s just her scent with me. I can only feel forgotten. This is me. Left behind. Am I the stranger now?”

“She said she wanted to be a raindrop, and today, it finally broke us. She had found her own to fall with. Her own to fall for. Today, she was a raindrop.”

Round and round.

It’s a never ending roller coaster.  Ups.  Downs.  Twists.  Turns.  Up and Down. Up and Down.  I just wish it would end so I could have my feet firmly planted on the ground again.

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.  Psalms 147:3

God, I really need You right now.  I don’t know who else to talk to anymore.

Fake.

Things are easier said than done.  This pretty much applies to every single aspect of my life right now.  Why is it that I can never take my own advice?  I logically tell myself what I need to do and yet I always do the exact opposite.

I wish I could keep promises I make to my parents.  Maybe if I did, they would keep the promises they make me.  Instead, it’s just a continuous cycle.  Making promises, breaking promises, disappointment, frustration.  It never stops.

I feel like I’ve lost two people.  The sad thing is they are the two closest people I have.

One:  I don’t know when we started to drift away.  The sad thing is I didn’t even know we were.  I guess over the years, I’ve talked more and you’ve talked less.  I needed to learn to listen, but I didn’t and unfortunately, you don’t tell me anything anymore.  I have almost no idea what goes on in your life.  I wish I did.  I wish you would tell me things.  Anything.  I’ve been so frustrated with you lately.  It makes me sad that you’re so eager to kick me out.  I wonder if you have any idea how much I will miss you.  I’m sorry I haven’t been the best role model to you over the years.  All those times when you wanted to talk and I always said the same thing “I’m busy right now.”  ”I’m doing my homework.”  ”I’m on the phone.”  So stupid.  It’s all my fault.

Two:  I can honestly say that I had no idea this would happen.  I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.  It’s so weird and you have no idea how much I hate it.  I’ve been in such denial.  Thinking “it’s just a phase”, “things will get better”.  Today I came to the realization that I’ve lost you…and it sucks.  I feel like I can’t trust you anymore.  I wish I could just tell you this, but I can’t because I feel like I can’t even really talk to you anymore.  It makes me really sad to even think this.  But it’s reality.  I was afraid that someday this would happen, but I had no idea it would happen this soon.  No matter how much I wished things were back to the way they used to be, I have to face the facts that things may never be the same again.  Sometimes I feel so artificial around you.  It’s because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  Just pretend like nothing is happening?  I wish you would just talk to me, for real.  Everything is different now though.  Sometimes, a part of me asks “is it even worth the fight?”  I think it is.  But you don’t seem to care much anymore. And yes, I am talking about YOU.

Part of me wants to just leave already.  As if that will erase everything.  Give me a fresh start, but I don’t even know if that will be enough.  I just can’t leave with things being the way they are.

Let go.

So I’ve decided that I need to move forward.  I’ve been trying so hard just to keep things perfect and comfortable.  I’ve been trying to run down the up escalator. Certain things may be changing and I just need to accept it.  It is going to be really hard to let things go…realize that certain relationships may never be the same.  It is going to be really hard…almost too hard. There are going to be plenty of changes in my life these next few months, so as much as I hate change, I might as well embrace it.  Instead of being sad, I’m just going to have as much fun as I can.  I’m going to be optimistic.  After all, I don’t have to close the book, I just have to turn the page and start the next chapter.

On a more positive note, I found out where I’m going to be living, my roommate, and my schedule for next year.  Talking to my future classmates has made me very excited to go to college :)  It’s a very exciting and fresh thing to think about…new people, new places, new life.  It’s a totally fresh start.  I’m getting my clean slate.  I am so blessed to be able to go to such an amazing school.  I pray that my college experience will help me grow in so many ways.  Mentally.  Spiritually.  I hope I will be able to step out of my comfort zone.  I may have been voted “most shy” in high school, but I do not want that to be the case in college.  I want my voice to be heard.

Point Loma Nazarene University, San Diego, world…here I come.

I can already hear the ocean calling my name.